Monday, 05 December 2011

• Come tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone

  I want you to notice/What you've been missing/I want you to feel that/Feel that deep inside of you.

  ...and those lyrics...they sound so wrong out of context.

  Fuck boys, man, fuck them.

  One of them is a jerk who used to love me for the right reasons and the other one is a sweetheart who loves me for the wrong reasons.

  What to do, what to do... for the record, the kid has not said he loves me, but I know it is only a matter of time. I can see these things.

   

  The kid came over tonight to help me make birthday cupcakes for my sister. He was adorable, taking every bit of crap I gave him with a smile, occasionally being an asshole, helping me when I needed it, holding me when I let him. BUT HE IS DOING IT FOR BAD REASONS. 

  He is doing it because I am a good girlfriend. And I am. I know how to do these things, the "oh sweetie feel better's" and the googly eyes and the play-arguments. I do it all, and I'm damn good at it. But that's all he wants out of me. He doesn't want to know what I do when I'm not doing anything or the actor I think is the hottest. He doesn't talk about who, he talks about what. What are you up to, what are you doing tomorrow, what about the next day.

  But he's so damned cute. I kinda feed into it a little just because I love the feeling it gives me, and that is terrible. I am terrible. 

  But it's so nice for someone to want me, regardless of their reasons. It's been so long. And shit, that's such bad reasoning but I cannot make myself care. I will drink in all of his adorableness and I will be as happy as I can be with it, because...

  

  Mostly because of that^. What the fuck has anyone been doing anywhere this is stupid why. I know I've poured so much time into him, and he so little time into me, and why do I still make excuses for him, even just to myself.

  Because I can't imagine not defending him, even against myself. He was never a jerk to me, not until... until recently, I guess. And by "recently," I mean "on and off for the last year."

  So no more defending him. His actions will speak for him. And the kid's will speak for him. 

  The kid told me he missed me this weekend when he went up to PA. It was sweet. I told him about my straight gay-boyfriend texting me about sexytime and the kid said, "I'm going to be honest...I really like you. And I don't like competition."

  :P

  FML in that totally non-FML manner. It's like I was telling @ifoundyarnia - when I say FML, I don't mean it the way others do, because I have so very few complaints. FML, WTF, BBQ. Tomorrow, my sister and I go to get our cartilages pierced, and she asked me to invite the kid "so he could hold your hand, and he could hold mine." D'aw. So I asked the kid, and he said he was going to come, of course. So that will be tomorrow.

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