Tuesday, 29 November 2011

• I've never lit a match/ With intent to start a fire

  But recently the flames
  Are getting out of control 

  
  

  Shit, you guys.

  So, okay. Where to begin. First, my welder stalker at work got even more stalkery today, but in a perfectly socially acceptable way. We ran into each other, sort of walked really, and from opposite sides and a long distance, and he said something like, "fancy seeing you here." I approve of his brand of laid-back stalkerdom, even if he asked me to help him with his math homework. It helps that he's kinda cute.

  Second. The kid. Oh, the kid.

  So, where to begin with the kid. First of all. He is ruining me, you guys. 

  Ruin.

  He kisses my forehead like all the fucking time. We'll just be sitting watching television or a movie, or standing in a line, or walking, or anything, and I thought it would stop when I let him actually kiss me, but no, and what does it meaaaaan and I do not like it, mostly because I really really like it and I don't want to. It's so sweet, as a gesture. Everyone should do that.

  He ... did I mention he's adorable? Gah. The other day, I was walking around my neighborhood and I saw his truck with him and his bud in the front seat, so he turned it around to talk to me a minute and was on his way. Later, I was sitting by the side of the road talking to @ifoundyarnia and I saw the truck pass. Then I saw it turn at the next street. Then I saw it looping around to where I was. The kid made a wtf gesture with his hands, said hello, booped my nose, and went on his way. Making sure I was alright.

  Second of all. He ended up staying over the other night because it got really late, and I didn't want him to drive back just to get up absurdly early like he does, so I told him to stay, and stay he did. I didn't really think too much of it, as I would've done the same for any friend of mine, just most friends of mine wouldn't have shared my bed with me, although I wouldn't mind. 

  Anyway. Back on topic. So the kid. He took a shower and shaved or whatever and he came out in some basketball shorts or whatever and we brushed our teeth and Roobear settled in beside the bed and the kid offered his hand to help me into bed. So I got in on the inside and he got in afterward and he put his arm around me to spoon, taking my other hand loosely in his over top of our heads. He kissed my neck, and when I turned around, he turned my face with his hand and kissed me.

  And that's all he did, kiss me. At some point, he shifted to lay on his back because it hurt or something, and when I had to come halfway up his chest to kiss him, he noticed I hesitated and whispered, hardly loud enough even that I heard, and I was right there, "It's okay. It's okay." And he pulled me into a hug, still only halfway on him, and everything stopped. He kissed my forehead and we talked about unrelated things and I eventually rolled onto my side again to sleep, so he spooned around me again.

  I realize that he's a pushover, but that doesn't mean it's not really fucking cute, for now.

  In the morning, o'dark o'clock, (it was seriously like 330) his alarm went off, he turned it off and slept a few more minutes, and then got up and got ready for work in the dark. He kissed me good morning and told me to text him when I woke up, and left. He locked the door on his way out.

  Jesus Tapdancing Christ.

  Third of all? Last night I was lonely, so I almost told him that I missed him, which wasn't true, but I managed to make up something ridiculous at the last minute instead and the kid went with it. I have the feeling he knew what I was going to say, as he was pretty persistent about my telling him up until I made up some bullshit.

  I need to stop this crazy thing.

  We've already established that this is not the guy who is perfect for me.
   
  Remember? 

  But he's the closest I've gotten yet besides the center, the one who has the least capacity to hurt me, the most capacity for love, who's not in the center, there. Which basically means that eventually I'm going to be hurting him. So better to do it now and not wait, but it also means that it's harder for me to do it now because...

  it's like I was telling Paige. Paige, I said, I have a wall I put up when I'm dating people. So that my flirty nature never goes too far, so that everyone knows I'm spoken for. It's a wall I put up last October, and while I was dating any and all of my now-exes. I have the wall. I can put it up. But right now, no one is giving me a reason to. It doesn't take much of a reason, just any old reason, and I have none.

  So the wall, it stays down, and the kid, he comes in. And I know he doesn't quite belong inside the wall but I can't make myself care. I've no reason.

  And fuck if it's not nice to have someone adore me. Seriously.

  So basically he fills some of my needs for now, not others, and I've got him twirled around my pinky finger. It's so indescribably nice, after Mike. I need to tell him everything soonish. Maybe the next time I see him.

  

  AND ON TOP OF ALL THIS I AM ALSO SO NERVOUS I THINK I WILL DIE OF IT. I'm serious, I need to just go join a fucking convent so that I do not have to worry about boys and their related drama. Perhaps I should clean up my language first.

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