I don't know how everyone else's childhood went, but as for mine, the board game Monopoly was fraught with dissension, strife, mean-spiritedness and cooties. Monopoly was one of our favorite games, but every time we would play, the following scenarios would occur:
1. The winner would then dance around the loser, singing "I'm a Loser" by the Beatles.
2. One of the players would forfeit the game, pouting, as soon as their luck took a downward turn.
3. We would all be up until 3 in the morning, at which point we all decided to tally up right then even though the game wasn't finished. A knock-down drag-out brawl debating the comparative worths of Pacific and North Carolina Avenue would ensue.
4. Once all the monopolies had been built up, we would fight over who got to go to jail for what offense, as nobody really wanted to go around the board at that point. For example, stealing someone's drink in the beginning of the game would get you thrown into jail while the others laughed and skipped past you to buy Park Place. At the end of the game, not even coughing on someone's Cheetos was a jail-worthy offense.These scenarios should be avoided at all cost. So let's go through them, shall we?
1. Dancing around the loser singing anything.You are the winner, my friend. Congratulations. You have endured hours of property acquiring, endless squabbles over whether snake eyes means you give all your property away, and you have successfully monopolized Park Place. You are truly awesome. But when you win, you must retain your classy cool. If it helps, pull out a monocle. Now repeat after me: "Good show. I was really scared there for a while, old chap." (Note: This works best when you have the monocle, but if you don't, alter the phrasing slightly,) This will not only make you look classy, but the loser will think about not punching your pansy behind in the face.
The picture is Angus from
Questionable Content, one of my favorite webcomics ever.
2. It's three in the morning Grandma, YOU WIN.If you find yourself paying every time you land on a space, I'm sorry. That is truly one of the most awful pitfalls of the game Monopoly. However, it is there to give you a little historical perspective. For example, you know now that small businesses didn't stand a chance while monopolies existed. "Yeah," you say, "but I want to win, not know how people felt decades before I was born!" Well. While winning is out of the question at the moment, please do not give in to the impulse to give up. Instead, I have a few witty phrases that won't make you look like such a sour-puss (yes, I said sour-puss. Another phrase popular decades before you were born).
"Only $200 dollars this time? Man, tax collector be trippin'."
"Come onnnn free parking! Daddy needs a new pair of shoes." (This is especially appropriate if you are the boot piece)
"Oh, you need $10000? Can I offer you my firstborn?"
3. Pacific or North Carolina?At this point, it's dependent on who can thumb-wrestle the other into submission. No cheating, or it escalates to arm-wrestling.
4. Go Directly to Jail.An easy way to fix this? Only let people go to jail when they get the card or land on the space. Problem. Solved.
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