Wednesday, 08 July 2009

• I will surround your heart with lies.

  j.k.
  The title is part of a song that I thought was kinda appropriate.
  
  
  ^^ A lie detector.  Really.  With Legos.  My childhood is now tainted forever.  Lies and deceit, lies and deceit.
  
  I am a terrible, terrible liar.  Really. 
  
  Wolff: "Does this coat make me look fat?"
  Me: "Uhhhh.  Why, of course not.  Your body does not contain fat."
  
  And you know?  That's the truth.  Now, if he were to ask:
  
  Wolff: "Does this con make me look like a dork?"
  Me:  "Why, no, you're not a whale penis."
  Wolff: "Does it make me look like a nerd then?"
  Me: "Oh, look over there!  Furries!"
  
  When in doubt, make them shudder.  You'll get away with anything then.  A quick guide:
  When they ask:
  
  Does this *blahblahblah* make me look fat?  Say:
  

  1. Darling, I love you.  (This will work on anyone by the shock value alone.)
  2. I really like the color on you.  (They might just be distracted by compliments.)
  3. It looks nice on you.  (Notice you didn't answer their question.)
  4. Oh, look! FURRIES! (My personal favorite.)

  Are you listening to me?  Say:

  1. Darling, I love you.
  2. Your voice is so soothing.
  3. You are right, of course.
  4. Oh no!  Plague of locusts!  Halp!

  What do you think about.... ( you didn't catch what to think about what because you were watching the game/movie/history channel) ?

  1. Darling, I love you.
  2. Yes, dear.
  3. We'll do whatever you want. (Note:  If they've got a sly smirk on their face, proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.)
  4. OMG handlebar mustache! 

  BlahblahbLahblAhblaHBLahBLAhBLAH...?
  

  1. Yes, dear.  I agree with you now as always.

  Lies are for wimps.  Who wants to lie, when you can avoid questions like this?
  Reader: "Yes dear, I agree with you now as always."   
  

  • 10:12 AM
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